After last night, I could never be a politician.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
