Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
