Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
