I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
