watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
