I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
