If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
