dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
