I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
