I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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