So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
