Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
