I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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