Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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