I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
