his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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