I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
