I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
