im six kinds of drunk right now
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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