I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Randomize
