I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
