Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
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