Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
