so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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