why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You were trust falling into bushes
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
