We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
