new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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