new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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