my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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