Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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