I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Even my vagina gasped.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
