you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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