How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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