Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
