Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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