how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Randomize
