i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
