Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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