I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
