why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Be still, my beating vagina.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
COCAINE IS GR8
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
