rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
