Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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