whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
