Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
