Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
