I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
