Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
