Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
