you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
