So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
